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Harold's Wheels/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man who casts a giant shadow, especially after lunch -- your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you, harold. Got something for you. How you doing? Glad you could join us. I've got kind of a special presentation. I've got something for you. Not another wedgie. No, no, come on, harold. Come over here. You know, this may surprise you, but I'm not good at giving gifts. I forget birthdays, graduations, weddings... Christmas. Harold has just recently gotten his driver's licence, and I think that deserves a celebration. So, harold, this is for you. Wow! A bottle opener! That is so great! No, no, harold, harold. Those are car keys. I got you a car. I bought it from buster hadfield. There's the ownership. Wow! Yeah. I don't know if I want or need a car, but thank you. That's generous, that really is. $1,975! Is that how much it cost? No, that's the year. A classic. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. Maybe the car's not in perfect shape, but we'll get her certified. The previous owner should be certified. The gas tank should not be held up by rope. That is a classic piece of detroit iron you're looking at. Look at the quality, the craftsmanship. I don't know why they stopped making pintos. (audience laughing) interesting colour, though, isn't it? Actually, it's a mix of colours, isn't it? What would you call that? Plaid? Those are original colours. It looks like a quilt because the doors and fenders are off different cars. When you go to paint that, use the spray can 'cause that much rust will only clog a roller. Uncle red, I don't want to hurt your feelings. I appreciate the thought, but I don't want a car. What are you talking about? You need a car to be a man. Look at those guys on t.V. -- "knight rider", "smokey and the bandit", "the dukes of hazzard", "columbo"... Eh? Huh? You know who doesn't have a car, eh? Mr. Rogers. (audience laughing) is that what you want to be like? Imagine how his image would be different if he had a car. Picture mr. Rogers in a corvette, peeling rubber up and down sesame street. (laughing and applause) with his little sweater on... "can you say 'wheelie'? "I thought you could." oh, no, that doesn't-- cars don't prove you're a man -- that's ridiculous. Oh, come on, harold! You gotta have a car to be a man! You're gonna need a fleet! All right, for example, yourself. You got the possum van. The tires are bald, it fills up with exhaust... No, your point's right. Ok, here's the real point. Women love guys in cars. (whimpering) you want a car? I want a car! Car -- good! Come on! This week on "adventures with bill", the two boys went out there. There's nothing like a dinner around the old campfire. Bill cooked up a fair whack of beans. Those would be the pork and beans. Luckily, he has the eating utensils inside his coveralls. Keeps 'em clean, I guess. Chow down, guys! Oh, man! Ohhh! Ohhh! Oh, no! No, we don't need to see that. Don't look, harold. Better to eat with bill in the dark. I'm not sure bill had-- wow! You cleaned those up in a hurry. Why don't you just have a few more beans? Uh-oh! I think the mode harold's in is the ghost of christmas-yet-to-be. Don't worry. Bill's got a few more beans to eat yet. You don't want those, do you, harold? Stay tuned, folks. You remember three-mile island. Ever notice men enjoy doing two things at once? Working and playing, eating and talking... Marriage and dating. Maybe it's because they don't usually do one thing real well. This week on "handyman corner", we're gonna combine two things that men love -- cars and sports bars. That's right, we're gonna make a sports-car bar. Well, not a sports-car bar. More of a sports-car bar, sports-bar car... A thing. You're gonna get yourself a bunch of televisions. I recommend that you go to a t.V. Repair shop near an old folks' home. They get dropped in there and get fixed, and they're never claimed. I'm talking about the t.V. Sets. These sets are gonna become the screens for our sports bar. The key component is the cable hook-up. You really can't run a half-decent sports bar if you only have one channel and it's the weather network. I have already stripped the end of this extension cord, accidentally, on another project, and incidentally, aluminum does conduct electricity... If anybody else was thinking of making an electric ladder. I need one of these clips off the jumper cable to use for my cable hook-up. This extension cord can help me with that. I got the other end plugged in to 220 volts. It was a completely different size plug, so I just sledged 'er in there. A true handyman is resourceful. (electricity sparking) there's our cable hook-up. I just have to get near a building with cable... And hook up. I know what you're thinking. How will I get near a building with cable? Or "will that work?" or "is this show still on the air?" of course, the answer is, I'm not making a normal sports bar. I'm making a mobile, portable, road-worthy sports bar. All I have to do... Stack my t.V. Sets so they can be viewed from the passenger seats. And I'll tell you... With a station wagon, you get that space and flexibility. (grunting) it hasn't gone real well, but I'll tell you something. A true handyman does not quit... Partly because he's determined and mainly because he's just too embarrassed to tell people what went wrong, especially if those people are his wife. My theory doesn't work in practice. Whenever my theory doesn't work in practice, I'm not thinking big enough. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Got harold's car all painted up. Love that fluorescent orange. When you park it under the trees and light comes down through the leaves, you can hardly see the lumps. Harold's getting ready to go cruising the main drag. Today, harold is a man... Or as close as he's gonna get. (audience laughing) uncle red! Battery's dead. Did you push the gas pedal all the way to the floor? Yeah... To the point where the floor would be if it hadn't rusted through. Twice? Yeah, I pumped it twice! No, I didn't say pump it. I said put the gas pedal to the floor. That's what I did. There was no pumping! Did you turn the key on like I told you? (together): On, then off, then... A beat... On, off, then on, then off... Then... On fast! That's what I did! (laughing and applause) nothing! (applause and cheering) did you short that red wire onto the steering column? Yeah -- battery didn't work. Radio blew up and a wiper shot off, but the battery's dead. Oh, all right. I'll give you a push. You smell paint, harold? I think someone left a can of paint on my seat and I sat on it. Leave a stain at all? No, no, you're fine. I'm ok? I don't want to look stupid. I can't see a thing. ♪ ohhhhh ♪ ♪ sometimes I get to wondering ♪ ♪ how life unfolds by chance ♪ ♪ how boy meets girl and then it starts ♪ ♪ with a word and a furtive glance ♪ ♪ how a meeting that should have gone nowhere ♪ ♪ can lead to a torrid romance ♪ ♪ how a comment and a motel key ♪ ♪ can remind you where you left your pants ♪ (laughing) we're on the right track now... A sports bar that stops at railway crossings. Lots of room, plenty of seats. We could run the t.V.'s across the front and the driver can watch. I rode in this school bus once. I rode in a lot of school buses once. There's a lesson to you young people. Bus drivers can kick you off. Oh, boy, you see a problem here, hmm? How will people at the back see over the heads of people in front? We could slope the floor by flattening the front tires, but I got a better idea. Remember you always tried to raise the roof of the bus? I'm gonna do it for real. Gonna take the torch, make a cut up each side and across the front, and peel 'er back like a sardine can. (coughing) by gosh, that gum under the seats can really burn. But she's coming together, isn't she? I gotta peel the roof up, put a platform across the top, pile the t.V.'s on top, lay the roof back down, and I'll be cable-ready. It's just that easy. Now me and 60 of my friends -- or people with money -- can go anywhere and watch any sport. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I have an important sporting event to watch. Ohhhh, man! Game over. (t.V.'s smashing) all right, meanwhile, back at the bean fest, the boys finished the beans. Harold had two and bill had about seven pounds. They're trying to get the campfire out. A bit of overkill, there, with the fire extinguisher. (coughing) everybody ok in there? Are you guys still in there? The campfire's still going. The thing with the fire extinguisher, there's always room for operator error, and everything we do around the lodge... This is a good lesson for you kids. Don't ever walk away from a smouldering campfire. Put the dirt on it, put water on it. If you have a co2 extinguisher... Stick the end of your rake in, like harold does. Kind of an iwo jima look... But it's still going, still going, so it's gotta be out, dead out. Got the pop in the pants. What are you gonna do, boys? Oh, I see, I see -- poor man's fire extinguisher. Put the pop on there. At this point, this becomes a chemical experiment. They've put h2o on there, they've put co2, and now they've put co, which I think is... Oh! And now they'll... They'll put bill's butt on there. That kills almost everything, including the campfire. Unfortunately, he now has fire inside his pants, which hasn't really happened in quite a while with bill. Ahhhhh! If there's anything you can learn, kids, by watching this adventure with bill, that thing you'll learn is that methane is explosive. (farting) (laughing) the really sad thing is that bill will find this funny till the day he dies... Which may be sooner than he's planned. Here's some fans from grantsburg, wisconsin, who came to possum lodge in a school bus. You buy a person a gift, you don't expect anything in return. I guess a little gratitude might be nice, but you sure don't expect complaints, do you? I was not complaining. I'm just a concerned car owner. You don't take a 25-year-old car to an engine diagnostic centre. No, see, I'm concerned about the environment. I want it up to standards. You didn't notice that blue exhaust in the back seat? You couldn't see out the rear-view mirror. All right, all right. She burns a little oil. A little oil?! Smells like kuwait! A little oil! Gaskets all leak, there's no emissions control on the carburetor... They looked it up in the pollution index. It's higher than a sulphur plant. Harold, you got this way out of proportion. You're gonna drive about 100 miles a year. The earth's big -- it will bounce back. It's not just the smell, the smoke, and the stink. It's expensive -- the upkeep, the insurance... Insurance?! Boy, you're a wimp! It's illegal to drive without insurance. What if I had an accident? Carry a cell phone. When you think you'll hit something, call your agent and get coverage. (laughing and applause) come here! Come on, come on. You've come to the end of a very busy day. You're rolling into bed, she's giving you the eye, and you're thinking... "boy, it's been a hectic day. "I'll tell ya, as soon as my head hits the pillow, "I'll be out like a light." what?! Sometimes you just want to go to sleep. You gotta figure out what to say to her-- whoa! Time out! You could say that. No, major time out! Am I misreading the situation? Haven't you ever gone to bed just... She's giving you the eye -- the signals are there! It's been a busy day. You're both gonna be there in the morning -- you're tired. You're never too tired for this -- come on! I never have been. This is totally beyond my comprehension. I have nothing to add to this -- I'm out of it. All right, it's a delicate matter. I'll handle it myself. 'cause you're the voice of experience? Pardon me? This has happened to you, this "let's go to bed and sleep" thing? (audience laughing) all right, so you can say, "ok, it's been a busy day "but don't go to sleep -- it's about to get busier." that's my boy! "what's another three minutes?" (laughing and applause) it's "male call"! Whooo! Whooo! Hey, mail! Imagine if you did that-- here's the letter! (audience laughing) a lady in alberta writes... "dear red, I think I was "the first woman you fell in love with." (squeaking) "do you remember me?" that's a trick -- that's my wife, bernice. No, it's not! Yeah, it's gotta be. She sent a picture of you and her cuddling up. Let me see that, harold. Let me see that. It's gotta be a trick photo, bernice. It's you and some blonde. I don't know who that is. I'll give you a hint. Her name starts with "m"... "m"... Bernice, I don't know who this is. The letter "m" means-- I can't-- all right, it was maureen wilson! Made him say it! I told you about her. I dated her a few times. All she had going for her was her looks. You know, she didn't have your personality. I mean that as a good thing. Look, I went out with her but I married you. All right? (laughing) "m" is not for "maureen". What? It's for "mom"! It's a picture of you and your mom! (laughing and applause) that's good -- nice work. Yeah! (cheering and whistling) that's great. That's a good one, eh, bernice? (laughing nervously) I knew. (laughing nervously) if you're watching, I can explain everything. Wrong on both counts. You cannot explain, and aunt bernice isn't watching. We tape shows -- she can't see it for two weeks. I got two weeks to find an explanation. You're lucky -- you know what you could do? Ok, I'll help you. You take her out to dinner so she misses this show. Dinner and dancing, then a late movie, and she won't see the show. Wait a minute -- what about the re-runs? Ok, I'll tell you when they're on and you take her out those nights, too. All right, I'll phone bernice right now before she invites friends over. That's a good idea. Good idea -- oh, yeah. Oh, he's safe now. Good idea, aunt bernice! Way to go! (laughing and applause) most women would nag their husbands till they took them out more -- not you! Way to go! Looks like I'm getting the car back from harold. That's ok -- if everybody returned their gifts to me, I'd buy them better stuff. You know, a car is not just a car. It's a heater, a water pump, a storage shed, a home entertainment unit... At the very least, it's a lawn ornament. Uncle red, uncle red! Here's your bottle opener. That's all that's left of the car. What are you talking about? I took it to flinty mcclintock's and he crushed it. It was so cool! (audience laughing) you got the car crushed?! It was a major polluter. I was thinking of the world. I took it to flinty's and he crushed it down to a tiny cube. It's easier to scrap it than fix it. Little tiny cube! He was gonna use a magnet to pick it up, but there wasn't enough metal to hold it. (audience laughing) you know, harold, I tried with you, but I can only do so much. I tried to make you a man, but you're programmed to be a goof. Whatever I do to try to make you a man... It's too big a challenge. That reminds me -- can I borrow the possum van? I guess so, harold, but that's not you, you know -- that's me. You're driving around in my reflected manliness. As long as your reflected manliness has gas, I don't care! I got a date! What?! Yeah! At flinty's, his little girl works there, susie. She said, "that's cool, that you're saving the environment." I went, "oh, yeah." she said, "we should get together." I thought, "oh, yeah." we didn't pick a date so I'll park in front of her house and wait. (possum squeal) meeting time! You go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Ok, you know me. I'm going... I'm out of here! (laughing) the babes are waiting! (laughing and applause) ohhh... (applause) if my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. Maybe I won't -- I can't leave till harold comes back with the van. He's not coming back until he gets a date. We could be looking at a couple of years... Or I could walk home, but that's not manly. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and whoever that was and the gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) everybodstand up. Harold's not coming -- ok, here we go. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. You probably heard the commotion at the park. We were having a game of sunfish baseball. It's just like baseball except you use a sunfish. They have an official ruling on that big hit by moose thompson. It's a homer, a grounder, and a foul ball and sushi. We have another book coming out -- "red green talks cars: A love story." it's available through possum lodge and through your local book retailer. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!